A month ago I was diagnosed with Lupus, a chronic auto-immune disease that most commonly effects your skin, heart, and kidneys. But what does having lupus mean to me? It means I’m scared, scared of what’s happening to my body, and how its going to effect my future. A month ago I could hardly get out of bed to go to the bathroom, how am I expected to go off and live by myself in less than a month? Sure, the medicine has made me feel one hundred times better, but now I have another list of complaints that are side-effects of whats supposed to be making me better. I’m weak and shaky. (I actually to start a hand written journal about all of this but was unable to because my hand writing is so poor) I’ve gained weight, lost muscle tone and now my face is puffy and round. Anytime I get too hot my face turns a nice shade of red.I’m forced to be facing my fear of doctors and needles. I have spent more time in waiting rooms in the past two months than the rest of my life. I’m fighting with depression and chronic fatigue and a lot of times its hard to leave my bed. But at the same time, I’m fighting insomnia and wouldn’t be able to sleep without my medicine. I’ve been in the hospital for the first time in my life, and am hearing talk of new tests with each new doctors visit. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do the things I love. When I’m having a flare up my joints hurt too badly to play guitar or piano, and I don’t have all the strength I need to ride. I worry about my plans of becoming a vet because I simply don’t know if I can withstand the heat and being on my feet all day.
But It doesn’t mean I can give up. I used to always say “If I was going to die I would rather just not know than go to the doctor.” But thats not true. I want to overcome this. I’m scared to death of what the doctors will tell me next, but I think that I’m strong enough to fight through this. I want to be able to do the things I love. I want to go back out to the barn and be able to walk/trot/canter without being exhausted. When my friends ask me to do things I don’t wanna have to turn them down because I’m too tired or because the sun makes me sick. I want to go to school like every other teenager and be able to learn about something I love, and then do it for the rest of my life.
I have had such wonderful support through all of this, and my friends and family have been so kind and loving. But its just hard. I guess laying in the bed for two months tends to get you but I’m so upset. I think I’ve cried more in the past two months or so than I have for the past five years. I just don’t understand why this has all happened to me.
But I will get better, I can get through this. I don’t know how much life I have to live, but I certainly don’t wanna live like this. I know I can’t make myself physically better, but I can put myself in a better place better mentally. I can’t let this drag me down.
